I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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