everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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