he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
