I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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