I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
