I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
