Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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