Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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