WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Are we still banned from the library?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
