fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
