I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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