Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize