Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
