Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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