my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
