Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
