Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
