i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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