at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
