Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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