GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
