I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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