Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
