Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
