dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
