she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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