Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
