she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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