I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize