Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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