I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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