Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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