Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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