i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
