I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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