just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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