I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
