please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
