john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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