you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
