THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
where are my eyebrows?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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