Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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