Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize