best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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