what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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