benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
