i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
