I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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