She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
