The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
