I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
