hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
