then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
