The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
