we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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