someone get that fucking seahorse.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
