If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
