In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
