I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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