I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
