i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
