what if every blade of grass was a penis?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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