I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
im about as happy as oj after his trial
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
