guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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